“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us – they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5 (TLB)
I wanted to touch a little upon my faith, and how my journey with God has shaped me to who I am today. I know this won’t be relevant to a majority of my readers, but for those who are believers or those who are simply curious, I hope you find this lengthy read relatable and/or helpful.
A little background story to start:
I grew up in a very traditional conservative Christian family. My mother tried but could not conceive for over 10 years. Because my parents were so involved in our former church, prayer for a child quickly became a priority for the entire congregation. Fast forward to October 13, 1991, at age 42, my mother laid eyes on her first and only baby girl. Yes, I was definitely a high-risk pregnancy but my parents trusted that if God allowed her to conceive at such an old age, it would be a blessing in some shape or form. Anyway, you better believe I was one of those kids that everyone in the church knew, simply by association with my mother’s pregnancy story and battle; and because of that, I always had a magnifying glass on me. It wasn’t nearly as bad for me as it was for a PK (pastor’s kid), but it was relatively comparable. I had to be at every their cell group meeting as well as lead kids groups, I had to perform in all of the recitals, be there from the moment the church opened until my mom locked up at night, the list goes on. Long story boring, my ‘religion’ became routine tasks for me – tasks I eventually didn’t want to participate in come my later teen years.
We eventually left my former church and joined an Apostolic church (my current church). The situation remained relatively similar. I played the piano and drums so immediately I was a part of the worship team. My parents became very involved as well in our new church, so any and everything they were at, I had to be at as well. At this point, anything church related became a chore. Being a part of the worship team was a chore. I’d always think of excuses/ways around not having to be apart of these things (Mind you, I was also a junior & senior in high school at the time and all my friends were always going out and making plans/trips on the weekends.. it’s high school…! Aka we all just wanted to have fun and the FOMO is real). It’s as if I’d forgotten what it was to feel excited about God, going to church, and learning and growing in my faith. I just felt like a robot. And honestly, I didn’t even truly understand what Faith and the grace of God meant until probably a year ago (which is crazy to think since I’ve been going to church my whole life). I think when you’re put in that setting at such a young age, you are either one of two kids – you live it and live it well or you fall into the rebellious category because the reigns are held so tight on you and you fail to fully embrace the true meaning of the lifestyle.
When I went onto college at Arizona, it was the first time I had experienced true freedom. Given Arizona’s reputation and those late teen, early 20 years, you can imagine how far my actions grew from God. However, it was during those years that I also finally felt any urgency to seek God again. It was a roller coaster and I was having such a hard time figuring out my purpose, my calling, my passion, and what it meant to have a close relationship with God. However though, I’d always realize that if I was doing something I knew shouldn’t have been doing, I would always get reprimanded in some capacity, usually immediately after. That was my way of knowing that God was still keeping me in check and showing presence in my life. When people told me that they felt most at peace at home reading the word and talking to God, I thought they were a little weird. I thought, “How could that possibly be fun? Wouldn’t you rather spend your night going out?” Now, before you go thinking that I had completely fallen off, I didn’t – I never once denied God, his power, or the Word – I was always sold, I never questioned it. I still studied the word and prayed everyday and gave thanks to him for every blessing that was handed to me. It was just the passion to seek more or even knowing what it mean to seek more that I lacked.
My Arizona years were wild to say the least. I’m not embarrassed about my experiences because they were so memorable and something I needed to get it out of my system having grown up in such a strict household. However, I am embarrassed in the fact that if someone were to ask a stranger if they thought I was a good Christian or not during those years, the answer probably would have been ‘no’, and that hurts my heart looking back. I finally began settling down my last year at UA; getting right with God, reading the Bible more, and going out less on the weekends. It had a lot do with when I declared my Sport Management minor and was cramming in any and every sport internship I could pick up to build my resume before graduation. But as a whole, a switch just flipped. I’m not sure how or why, but I know it was God’s way of re-planting his seed… a seed that would eventually open my eyes to realizing that my practices and habits had to change within my current lifestyle. If I wanted to be a true believer, I had to walk the walk; talking the talk simply isn’t enough.
Fast-forward 3 years to now, remember how I mentioned those difficult 2016 moments followed by my unconventional Hong Kong trips in my intro post? Well, those were huge turning points for me in my faith. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty but it was an extremely rough year for me. I felt so defeated and it was nothing but a snowball effect of heavy negatives for 11 months straight. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Everything that could have possibly hurt me, hurt me, and hurt me bad. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I just realized I could no longer trust or rely on anyone but myself (which is normal – that’s life) and that the more I tried to control my life, the more it just ended in utter disaster.
However, I’m so grateful it happened because it took me hitting rock bottom in every department of my life to relight a new fire for seeking God. I would find myself crying in bed and so casually/automatically begin crying out to him aloud, seeking him for comfort and calmness. It was an insane experience, and for the first time, I felt his presence in front of me – I cannot put into words what it felt like, but it felt like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was definitely out-of-body. During those months, I’d never found myself so quick and excited to read daily devotions (I started with GirlfriendsInGod.com – great devotions to get you started on the right track), the Bible, and pray/talk to him throughout the day. It’s like when you start talking to that cute guy – you’re just so excited. You’re always in a good mood and nothing can bring you down. Well, God was like “that guy” for me. I spent every living moment in such content and literally just talked to him mentally all day. Every small blessing that was handed to me, I spent the entire day giving him thanks.
It’s so surreal how it all happened. Again, it was on his timing that it all happened when & in the fashion that it did; and it resulted to me learning SO many crucial lessons. There was a sequence of events that occurred as well that I had no control over it and it sucked. My plans I’d been looking forward to for months were all shot to hell, and as a type-A personality, it drove me insane. However, I stumbled upon Hebrews 12, which talks about discipline. God isn’t always going to make life smell like roses. He’ll drop whatever bomb he wants, and at the most inconvenient time (or so to you it will seem), to teach you a lesson and it’s on you whether or not you want to recognize that he is trying to mold you. Growing only works if you see the opportunity for change being presented. Many folks fail to recognize these signs from God and it may be from the lack of relationship they have with Him. Now, these “mold sessions” will be extremely uncomfortable and confusing at the time, but it’s insane the new outlook you gain when your eyes open to why he allowed those certain instances to occur.
My eyes were finally fully opened – I was able to see things, people, relationships, life situations for what they really were, and not through the lens of my little bubble I’d been living in. I felt like Bradley Cooper in the movie, Limitless. I found myself more accepting of others, calm/timid, positively focused, conscious of my actions/words, and a homebody. I also realized what things I wanted to prioritize in my life. One of my biggest and most favorite changes was going out less. There is nothing wrong with going out everyday of the weekend if that’s your niche, I’m not chastising anyone for what they like to do for fun; but for me personally, I’ve just found a new joy in other/simpler things and have also met so many amazing people who are so fun to be around all whilst remaining sober. Isn’t that crazy though? That the older we get, the more we rely on alcohol to have a good time? There’s no longer that naïve adolescent element of being able to have a blast without the fending of alcohol to do so. I still have drinks on occasion but it’s just not a necessity to my life anymore. Plus, no amount of alcohol or fun will ever be worth the hang overs that now take me 3 days to recover from. It also helps that Tyler has the exact same views as me towards all of what was mentioned above. I don’t ever feel pressured by him because he understands my decision making and I have him to keep me accountable. He’s actually better at it than I am!
Another influential change is reading the Bible and taking it for what it is rather than altering the word to fit MY lifestyle and choosing to only obey SOME of the rules and guidelines. It’s a sticky subject because we never want to feel convicted – but that’s exactly it. If we never feel convicted, we will never change. (Wow, mind blowing isn’t it). It’s the same concept as.. if we never get caught, we’ll never change our bad ways. Before, I always tried to justify that what I was doing was fine because in the end, I loved God, and that’s all that mattered, and thus committing the sins I did was semi-acceptable. But now, saying that aloud, it literally sounds crazy. Of course, we are all saved by God’s grace and are forgiven for our sins, however, it also does say in the Bible that sins committed over and over again are no longer forgiven. If you know right from wrong yet continue to do the wrong, you are no longer forgiven.
Again, I don’t want to get preachy on here, this is just me explaining what caused my drastic turnaround. It took me really delving into the word, studying it, and letting it be my daily guidance for situations in life, that made all the difference in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. The Bible is PACKED with so much amazing advice, stories, words of wisdom, guidance… literally everything. As a human, I just feel so much more whole. I feel like I have a deeper purpose and have this itch to continue to do more, overcome more, influence more, and help others more.
Now, I know many have trouble reading the Bible because sometimes it can be wordy or hard to understand. I will delve into this topic and provide helpful tips in my next faith-related blog post. But here’s a quick summary: My biggest help (although some may not agree) is switching over to The Living Bible version. It’s literally written out in our millennial type of everyday language, however I also hand-in-hand flip to the Amplified version for more in depth explanations and breakdowns. It has increased my understanding of the Bible to lengths I cannot explain. So if you’re having trouble reading the Bible, I recommend The Living Bible version and fumbling back and forth from that to the Amplified version. I use the app “Bible Gateway”. They also have daily verses which are always SO on point with exactly what’s going on in my life. I will read the verse then click to it and read that chapter in its entirety. Also, as mentioned earlier, reading Girlfriends In God’s daily devotions is a great starting point too.
Bottom line, I try to live a life in which God would be proud of. When I do things, I always think to myself, “Does this glorify Him?” “Does this make Him happy?” “Would this disappoint him?” “Does this go against the Word?”
He is always watching us; he knows our every move, thought (good or bad), and true intensions. Some, especially nonbelievers, may think it’s a ridiculous way to live, but this is what saved me from my toughest moments in life. I am by no means perfect and definitely still make mistakes – I am human and still learning. However, I do hold myself to a much higher standard and am now much more accountable for my actions, thinking, and being. People may think I’m too strict with myself, but I just try to follow the word as closely as I can – and you can’t really argue with the Bible, right? We were brought onto this earth to glorify and satisfy God, not man.
At this point and since July, my life has been nothing but blessing after blessing with huge leaps of positive personal and spiritual growth. And I know for a fact that it’s a direct result of me tightening the reigns on my lifestyle. So really, there’s nothing to complain or fuss about because I am now receiving great blessings as my reward. When you live your life for God, he gives back in tenfold. Too, just when I think I’ve made it to a ‘solid level of Christianity’, I get dumped with even more knowledge/learning. His timing is funny and it is everything. I can’t help myself and laugh sometimes when he allows me to see “even more light”. It’s truly a never-ending learning experience and it’s insane the things God will do for us the closer we grow to him. The latter half of 2017 has been NOTHING but blessing after blessing after blessing. I have never lived a life so free of anger, drama, depression, anxiousness, unhappiness, and uncertainty. I finally love every little piece and part of me (a lot of that has also been with the help of my fiancé who has been nothing but the most amazing human to me on this entire planet). And while I don’t really know where the next step in life is taking me, I know that God will lead me when his timing allows. It’s really just a day-by-day smooth ride and I finally understand what it is to truly life a life of Faith and a life for my Lord Jesus Christ.
Links: Hoodie here, snapback here
XO, Jess