If you’ve been following along, Tyler and I started pre-marital counseling two weeks ago! To debrief, counseling is NOT only for couples who have issues. You don’t need to be in a crisis in order to go to counseling.
Specifically pre-martial & marriage counseling is also for couples whom may not have serious issues but simply want to further better their already good relationship. I am a learner, I love learning. They say you will continue learning about your partner until the day you die, so why not properly equip yourselves with the right tools to deal with any and every curveball?
Warning: This is a lengthy read, but I promise it is worth your time. It’s eye opening and definitely something you will want to think about and used to rewire the way you perceive others.
What we’ve been learning in counseling isn’t limited only to romantic relationships – they are truly tools to help you improve any relationship – friends, family, acquaintances, even strangers.
The first class was about communication. That was a HUGE eye opener and something I’ll save for a rainy day. The second class covered “learning personalities” and that is what will help you ease up on your dislikes in others. You can read this with one of two perspectives in mind: for a romantic relationship or for everyday family/friend relationships.
“Are we compatible?” This is often a question couples ask each other however most of the time, we don’t actually know what we’re saying when we ask that. No one is simply compatible with someone else. We aren’t even compatible with ourselves. We took a quick personality test to help us learn our personalities and it was broken down into 4 types: The Charger, the Outgoing, the Responsible, and the Easy-Going.
I scored over 50% a Charger: “Exceptional vision & energy to achieve, produce, forge ahead in the face of barriers. A ‘mover and shaker’. Chairman of the Board or CEO of a corp. Self-starter, risk taker, problem solver. Bossy, domineering, competitive. Has a difficult time relaxing'”. I LOLed because that is me in a nutshell. Given, there are times when I fall into other categories. No person is 100% one type of personality – we make up a blend of all four, however, we are primarily dominant at least one, at most two categories. For me, I am a Charger-Outgoing
– Strengths: Decisive, independent, leader, practical, determined, risk taker
– Weaknesses: Confident, dominating, stubborn, tough, impatient, harsh
I scored 25% an Outgoing: “The ‘fun’ one. Life of the party. Carries excitement and joy to others. Struggles with being on-time, staying focused, listening attentively, and often loses their possessions. Very conversational but prone to interrupting others. Are flexible.”
– Strengths: Stimulating, enthusiastic, fun, outgoing, personable, communicators
– Weaknesses: Show off, egotistical, irresponsible, poor listener, forgetful, unrealistic
I scored 20% a Responsible: Takes care of details, on time, always has a balanced checkbook, completes homework on time or early, very caring and sensitive. Bashful, perfectionist, difficult to please. Hardest on themselves. Most skeptical out of all personality types. Susceptible to depressive thoughts or feelings because things are not the way they “should” be. Fairness is important. Small changes create anxiety.
– Strengths: Thorough, persistent, orderly, serious, industrious, accurate
– Weaknesses: Perfectionist, inflexible, introvert, moralistic, critical, too sensitive
I scored 5% an Easy-Going: Peace makers, peace keepers. They kickback and are there to support others. Congenial, gentle, patient, and kind. Often falsely accused of being lazy but need prodding to get things done. Willing to help others with almost anything but will need a nap afterward.
– Strengths: Supportive, quiet, dependable, reliable, agreeable, patient
– Weaknesses: Lacks assertiveness, fearful, dependent, timid, retiring, lazy
Now think of your significant other/friend/family member – what personality category are they? Often, we believe or assume that if someone doesn’t have the same thoughts/ideas or don’t agree with our opinions, they’re wrong – that there’s something mentally wrong with them and they just ‘don’t know or haven’t learned’. Following that, we begin to hone in on their weaknesses (instead of highlight their strengths) which ends up causing division, separation, and eventually unfavored feelings and perceptions. And all over not seeing eye-to-eye on something – seriously, how subconsiously pathetic are we? What we’re inclined to doing is the absolute incorrect way to go about differences. Why? Because we have a different personalities. Nothing less, nothing more. Indefinitely, there will also be other factors that play impactful roles (how they were raised or significant life events) but overall, they simply have a different personality. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is ALSO nothing wrong with them.
I myself am guilty of this. I used to think to myself when I’d come across lazy/forgetful individuals, “Wow, you must be unorganized, unmotivated, and probably not that successful. I don’t think I really want to be around you.” GOSH, SHAME ON ME. Just one observation had completely honing in only on their weaknesses. But what about their strengths? Those same unorganized, unmotivated individuals also happen to be the same individuals whom know how to keep the peace in a group, whom are the folks you go to when you need to vent, whom are reliable and will help you whenever in need. This also applies if we were to used this inverted. We compare our weaknesses with other peoples’ strengths. But here’s food for thought; we would all have positive self image if we just understood and accepted our personality types in correspondence to others.
UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY of your partner/friend/family member will make your relationship so much easier. You are ultimately in control of how you let others affect you.
Our professor/counselor gave us an example of his own. He is a Charger-Responsible (remember, you’re usually two personalities but your dominant is your first personality). His wife is an Outgoing-Charger. She is forgetful and always leaves their bathroom lights on. No matter how many times he tells her, and I’m talking years after years, she still does it. Every. Single. Day. And he comes home and must turn the bathroom lights off, every. single. day. To him, it’s a massive pet peeve and he cannot understand why she can’t remember to turn them off (his responsible personality coming into play). However, to her, it’s nothing because it’s not important to her. So he can handle it one of two ways:
1. Continue nagging, get upset every time, and let it internally build and become something he holds against her where eventually he creates a generality that she is careless and irresponsible OR
2. He can switch his attitude and think.. “Okay well, why did I marry her? Because she’s an Outgoing and I love that I can always bring her places and I never have to talk. She entertains everyone and I can sit back and relax. In her mind, this light is menial. As an outgoing, she’s more worried about asking me how my day was and talking my ear off over being responsible like me and turning that light off. She takes care of the things I don’t want to do. Thus, in return, I will, everyday, turn off the lights happily with a big smile on my face because I married my wife for being an Outgoing. She, as an author, is the one who can relate to so many and make the large positive impact on society that she does. That is why I fell in love with her and that is why I am lucky to have her. So it’s okay that she is forgetful, that comes with her personality, and I will not let a small negative outweighs all her great positives.”
Do you see HOW MUCH that changes the entire situation? You CAN’T keep from conflict, but you CAN keep from fighting. Something that could have snowballed into a laundry list of negative blames is turned into love because he understands her personality and the habits that may come with.
If you don’t understand personality, things are wrong with people.
If you understand personality, nothing is wrong with anyone.
I challenge you to figure out your personalities and that of your significant other. Seek the traits that bug you and search for parallels in your partner’s personality. If they align, the habit is more than likely something that cannot be fixed because it’s channeled in their personality DNA. So when those habits arise, choose to make a conscious note, actively identify that the pet peeve comes with there personality, then remind yourself of all the strengths they have. After all, those strengths are what drew you to them and why you chose them to be your life partner.
Whether this helps you ease up on your dislike for certain people, it can most certainly help you grow to become less phased by who people act or what they do.