The title of this blog post may sound silly, especially for those whom are believers, but even I have to remind myself of this from time to time. In fact, I was given a fat reality check about it when I got my account hacked last week. I’ve had a lot of time to think everything through, and with the help and guidance of my mother and Tyler, I’ve finally come to terms with why it all happened.
Saying that my life has been crazy the last few months is a complete understatement. Planning my own shower down to the smallest detail ended up feeling equivalent to planning a small wedding to be quite honest. And to pay off all of my shower’s expenses, I had to hustle my butt off so hard with collabs.
During all of this hustling, I did notice that I was becoming obsessed with my job. I am obsessed with a lot of things but this was a different obsession. I had never ate, slept, and done something so obsessively before to the point where it began feeling like a bad obsession – an addiction. Work consumed me. In fact, consume doesn’t even begin to accurately describe how infatuated with work I was. I was on my phone and in my emails the moment I woke until the moment I went to bed. I was easily running 15-17 hour days. As soon as that alarm went off, the first thing I did was check Instagram and refresh my email inbox. The last thing before I shut my eyes, I was on Instagram and finishing up emails.
About 6 months ago, I was waking up around 6am every morning, spending my first hour in prayer and reading the Bible. It was my quiet time, my time to reset for the day and place my mind at peace before diving into my daily tasks. Well, that stopped. I actually lost all motivation to do that as a whole. I still read my daily motivational book and said a short prayer before going to bed, but that was about it. I went to church every Sunday (although had skipped a few for my Bachelorette, Florida, and other trips) but I wasn’t as focused as I used to be. I used to cry every Sunday during worship but that stopped for awhile. I used sit on the edge of my seat during church, so excited to hear the next thing our pastor had to say, but that had stopped too. It was alarming and I was scared. I knew I wasn’t putting God first anymore, but couldn’t figure out how to regain that motivation back.
Luckily, I had realized and come to terms that a lot of that focus was lost due to the bridal shower, wedding planning, remodel, and taking on too many collabs than I thought I could handle. Honestly, I was so excited for July to be over because I had at least 5 collabs due per week and was almost feeling a slave to these companies instead of freely posting and rearranging my drafts freely. I did not like it.Then came this past Sunday, the day after our wedding when my account was hacked. Some said it was jealousy, others said it was bad luck. However, it was unanimous that just so happened to inconveniently occur the day after our wedding.
Rewinding back to earlier that day, we had gotten back from Malibu around 3pm and totally had time to make it to 5pm service. We were invited to spend the rest of the night and next day with one of my best friends at the beach. I was torn. I truly wanted to just sit and relax and do NOTHING because we were so exhausted from the wedding, but another part of me, my discerning side, kept telling me that I should go to church. We really could have gone to service and just gone to the beach right after. It would only take 1.5 hours out of our time there, but, well, we ended up skipping church.
So, to bring this all together, I had a few reservations of why I got hacked the day and time I did. I really had been so excited to share everything about my wedding with you guys on Sunday. I was so excited to be on my phone and post and just be my Instagram self. I shared a post around 7pm and by 11pm, I was hacked. As silly as it sounded, I was so upset because it was finally my time to shine with my amazing wedding content that I had worked so so hard and planned 9 months for.
I honestly couldn’t wrap my head around anything that evening. However, by morning, a few conclusions resonated with me. I truly believed I got hacked because:
1. We didn’t go to church. I was given the chance to finally put God first after not putting Him first for so long. I was fully aware of all the pardons He had given me the last few months as there were many things that happened that I did not feel deserving of. But again, I know it was His doing and his way of letting me know that He still loves me no matter what. But this time, I really failed. And I knew it. I failed, again, to put Him first when it truly was the first day I should have really gotten my butt back and rekindled my long, lost, fiery relationship with him. Even more so importantly as a newly married couple.
2. I’ve been so consumed with collabs and Instagram, hustling to pay for all these wedding and new home expenses that I’ve literally become one with my phone. I had JUST gotten married 24 hours ago and God was trying to tell me that I needed to focus and start this new journey, undistracted, with my husband – to be one with him and to enter this new time with my mind clear of anything but him and God.
3. Working so much was not allowing me to relax. Ever. Even on our weekend evenings, when Tyler and I would be watching tv, I would still be on my phone trying to see what more I could lock down or what other ways I could continue making money to pay off my wedding expenses. Although I was physically there with him, I was not mentally there. And that’s not fair to him.
4. Not that God was punishing me because he is not a punishing God, but He gave me a fat wake up call. He told me that although this was my job and all that I had, He could also snatch it away from me at any minute, in a blink of an eye. Anything God graciously gives us, He can also take right back. He set me in my place and reminded me that I need not to put Him second or take advantage of His blessings because He is the sole reason why I have been given the opportunities and platform to be where I am today with my career.
So what does this have to do with why church is now even more important than ever before? Because church pushes away all my week’s clutter, distractions, and anxieties, and allows me to recharge and prepare my mind & spirit for the week ahead. It truly sets the tone for my week’s attitude.Today was the first day I cried in worship again in months… and it was the best feeling ever. We sang Reckless Love and one of the lyrics in the song read:
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away.
There’s no shadow You won’t light up, mountain You won’t climb up, coming after me.
Church humbles me; it brings me back to my roots, and puts me in my place. It reminds me that God is the almighty one and that I’m just a spec in the sand. That I am just a small town girl, one teeny ant within His enormous world-wide army. He isn’t telling or making me feel these things because He wants me to feel inferior, that is not the tone or attitude in which I am saying what I just said. I say that because God is love. When we live for Him, He loves us even more and blesses us tenfold. I am happiest when I’m tight with God and am most content when I live simply in Him. Living simply with a clear mind gives me happiness because God does not allow me to worry about yesterday, today, or tomorrow. When I am at peace, it’s because I know He’s got me.
He will never do us wrong. Instead, He will always, in His own creative, surprising, and teachable way, bring us back to Him. Desert shootout photos by: Ruth Marie Photography